Before you read this post I wanted to share a few things. This is a life/blog update, and includes a lot of things that have been on my mind for a while. It’s long, so get ready. I also wrote a lot of it as a sort of stream of consciousness (I even wrote some while grocery shopping). I’ve tried to edit the post so it makes sense but if it still feels disjointed at times, that’s why. Anyway disclaimer over, here we go…
I guess I’ll start with what seemed to get a lot of this spiraling: Instagram.
Since my Disney trip, my instagram has been doing slightly better than before. We all know the algorithm struggles and they’ve definitely hit me. I have, however, been posting much more consistently since Disney, so it makes sense that I’ve gained some traction. If you have a business account, you know that instagram will try to get you to promote a post that’s done well. I decided to try a short post promotion to see what happened.
I’ve actually promoted a post before, around the time I started the blog. I thought maybe it would help bring in some traffic since the blog was brand new. While the post probably did get a few more likes than average, I didn’t really notice it that much because this was a year and a half ago before the algorithm stuff was too bad. But now, there is such a dramatic difference between this post and all of the rest, and I felt like such a fraud.
The more I thought about it the more I realized its not just instagram. In life, on the blog, everywhere, that’s it…
I just completely feel like a fraud
I recently found out about “the return of Saturn” (isn’t that a No Doubt album? Edit: it is). I’m not super into astrology, and whether the astrological part of this is true, or it’s just how life goes, it makes sense.
In terms of astrology, Saturn’s return is when Saturn gets back into the place it was in when you were born. It happens every 29ish years and lasts for about three years. And it turns out, I’m right in the thick of it. This time is supposed to be one of change and growth, one where you question everything, one where you’re trying to figure life out.
Well according to an article I found from Cosmo, my return of Saturn started December 2017 and will go until December of next year. Maybe this is why I’ve felt so messed up?
I’ve sort of felt dishonest on the blog, since pretty early on. I try to remind myself that I shouldn’t feel this way. Just because you’re a lifestyle blogger doesn’t mean you have to share every last personal detail of your life.
I guess I have imposter syndrome. That’s kind of a buzzword these days but I suppose it fits. I’ve always been terrible when it comes to comparison and lately I’ve felt like I don’t even know who I am.
I’ve sort of always prided myself on knowing who I am and what my values are. That part is still true. But when it comes to my style, my likes, maybe even my personality a bit (at least on the internet) I think I’m pretty influenced by others. And not just the “influencers”. My mom, my friends, other people I’ve known, and yes influencers, all tend to effect me.
Let’s talk about mental health
Another thing I’ve hidden from the blog, and that I’ve started countless posts about is my depression.
I don’t know how much I want to get into it here, but basically it effects my motivation greatly, makes my already low self-esteem lower, and amps up all the bad things including my perfectionism.
I have a winter break coming up in three weeks. This time is great to plan out resolutions and get excited for the following year. In fact, that’s how this blog even came to be.
Every year I go into the end of the year and start of the next feeling great. But then as soon as things don’t start working out and happening immediately, I’m discouraged again. I’m a very all or nothing person if you can’t tell.
I used to write goal setting and check in posts every month. I did this partially for accountability, but also because blogs that I liked to read in the past did these type of posts. Every month when it came time to write an update I felt like I was failing. So I decided to give myself more time. How about just setting goals for the year and periodically checking in? It sounded like a great idea and a way to make progress. And in reality it should have worked. But I still didn’t make progress.
The annoying thing with me, is that I went to school to be a counselor. I could be someone’s therapist right now. I know the things to say and to try, but trying to make myself do them is another story. In fact, I sometimes have the mindset that I should just “get over” my problems and my depression which I would never, EVER, think about someone else.
I’m also questioning what to even make this blog about. I decided to consider it a “lifestyle blog” because I didn’t want to be tied down to only one area, but I worried for a while that its too much. I’ve read countless blogging articles preaching the importance of “niching down” but I haven’t wanted to do it. Now I’m here at this crossroads of sort not being sure what direction to take things in.
I currently have a few ideas for the blog, but when you can’t motivate yourself the ideas don’t really matter. I put so much pressure and stress on myself with anything to do with the blog and I honestly think it effects the quality of what I do. Like if I could get to a point of being a little more carefree or relaxed, the quality would actually be a lot better.
I took these pictures for a different post I had planned. A post that I probably won’t write because it’s more of a shopping post, and those make me feel more like a fraud than anything else. But alas people tend to want pictures to break up posts so here we are.
When I decided to use the photos I started having questions run through my brain. Should I use affiliate links? Should I promote it on Pinterest?
Well maybe you want to know where something is from so a link would be helpful. I also work hard on posts, so is it that bad to earn a few cents if you click the link? And, yes, affiliate links are not a gold mine. So I guess I’ll use them.
With promotion, maybe someone this post could help, who wouldn’t otherwise see it would find it. But am I promoting my struggles? I don’t really have an answer for that.
Outfit Details (and yes, affiliate links)
If you read all or most of this, thank you. I really mean it. I know most of our attention spans (mine included) are about 2 seconds long so actually reading a long post is something special.
And if you’re still here and care to, let me know what you like to read about. Or if you’ve been here before or looked at some of my blog topics and related posts, tell me what’s most interesting to you. I know this blog is mine but really it’s yours. You aren’t going to read it if you’re not interested right?